Beautiful Book

This book was an amazing turning point in my pregnancy with Logan. It helped me really see what a beautiful thing I was doing out of all of the discomfort, and frustration that I was going through. And it also gave me a wonderful meditation guide for the birth meditation that I did in the last few weeks of my pregnancy.

Here is my "birth meditation":

It is night. I start to feel pressure, and it doesn't stop. I get a small glass of wine, I take a walk around the house, I check my Internet friends. My body is working. My mind starts taking focus away from what I am trying to do to turn inward to my body. The time is coming. I wake up Don, I call my dad to come and get the kids. I turn on my favorite movie and lay in my bed next to my husband until my dad arrives. I give my dad my van so the kids can sleep back to his house, and make sure they have blankets and pillows. I tell them that we will call them when the baby is here so they can be there as soon as they want to. Cyan cries, Alex is worried. I have to go lay down. I leave the job of reassuring the children to my dad and my husband. I trust them both to do this gently and lovingly.

I hear the car leave.

I ask Don to rub my back while I am on my side, watching my movie. I start timing contractions. They are starting to take much more of my focus now. As I start to moan through them, I tell Don to fill the birth pool. I can hear him moving the kitchen table and chairs out of the way to set it up. I hear the water. It sounds inviting. After the next contraction I get up and start walking around the house. I have to stop when they become intense, but then can start moving again.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I sit on the toilet and can feel the baby pressing down on all of my insides. My husband knocks and asks if I am ok. I am doing fine. It is work... but I am excited.

I come out of the bathroom when Don tells me the pool is full enough for me to get in it. As I undress I wonder if people will mind me being nude and ask Don to get my bathrobe and a sports bra. This eases my mind.

I get in the pool. The relief is instant, but not as much as I wanted it to be. I still moan and make noise through contractions. They are starting to hurt now. Taking all of my mental effort and tiring me out.

Don calls my Doula and midwife and turns on music.

As I labor the sun starts to come up. I can see it through the blinds on the sliding glass door. I ask Don to open them a bit more so I can see the sun rise. Everything is frostbitten and cold. The grass is too long. The trees are barren. I put that away for another day.

My midwife shows up. She asks if I want to be checked. I tell her no. I am laying over the edge of the pool now... counting out my contractions because I know that if I get to 15 they will start to come back down. They are getting heavy. I hurt. I ask the midwife to push on my back, and Don gets up close to my face and tells me he loves me. He breathes with me. This brings me peace.

I hurt.

Pressure.

I start to feel pressure. I am enlivened by this because I know that we are getting close. No urge to push, but pressure is good. I release the pressure and try to move into a squat.

I have to use the bathroom. I am helped from the pool just as my doula gets here. I go and sit on the toilet and she adds warm water to the pool and lights my candles. I start to release... I start to want to push. I really want back in the pool, but am nervous about the need to go to the bathroom. I try to release this need.

The pain is overwhelming. I want to push, but don't yet have the urge. I want to go to sleep. I want my husband right next to me, as close as possible. I want my mind to wander. I don't want others close to me at this point. Just Don. My midwife asks again if I want to be checked. This time Don says no. I start to feel the need to push. I don't want to. Worried that it may not be time yet, and don't want to tear.

Then I have to push. Pushing is all there is. There is nothing else. Don helps me between contractions, get out of the bathroom and into the living room over the wool pad. I sit in a supported squat with Don behind me in the papasan chair.

My water breaks and splashes all over the living room. I have about a second to think about who is going to clean it up when another contraction hits. It doesn't matter. I HAVE to push.

I am tearing in two. I know it. There is no other option. My body is burning, I am so tired...

release. Feels like the best bowel movement ever taken. The babies head is out. Don is crying. Sarah is crying. The midwife is working. Rubbing, turning, helping the babe into the world. One more push...

The babe screams. I am helped into laying down. Don grabs my bathrobe and my favorite blanket. Be damned with laundry. Screaming baby and crying support.

I am in heaven.

Don tells me he loves me and won't leave my side. He lays down with me on the floor. He looks at the baby. Tears start again. Now I am crying. I am so tired and so awake.


What I Fear:
Being checked/updated too often. When I was in labor with both of my other children, I was checked very often. I thought it would be reassuring which is why I wanted to have it done with Cyan as much as with Alex... but it never was. I got discouraged and frustrated with each check. By the time I got to 4 centimeters I was worn out and done. I wanted drugs. I wanted out... I didn't care about anything. Little did I know I was in transition. Less than a 1/2 hour later, with both of them, they were born. Could I have stood another half hour had I known I was so close. YES.

Being nude. For some reason, this pregnancy has really put a spin on my mental notes of beauty. My body is front heavy and full. No where else have I thickened much, but my breasts are so big and vainy they are embarrassing to me. Will this matter much when I am in labor. I don't know, but it needed to be addressed in this exercise for me.

Don not being there. This is my biggest fear aside from the fear of discouragement. I can think of moments where all I wanted was him right next to me in my labor with Cyan. Could I do it without him if he were to leave or be stuck in traffic? Perhaps. Esp with Sarah (my friend/doula) there, she brings peace to me as well. But not like Don. I don't want to resent him for not being there... but I am terribly afraid of doing this without him. Everyone else could disappear and as long as he was there, even just touching me, I feel like I could make it.

What I learned:
In writing this, I realize that I know my body in birth. The fear of pain is not a fear of mine. I know what the different sensations mean in me, and what I am supposed to do. I can relax though them, and have before. I truly trust my body. This was nice to realize.

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